The Passport of Mallam El-Rufai

BY RUONA AGBROKO-MEYER

The title of this column was inspired by one of my favourite books
as a child called The Passport of Mallam Ili a, written by Cyprian
Ekwensi.

A young man on a train to Northern Nigeria wants to meet his
mother, Dije and unearth the whereabouts of his father. There, he
runs into an old man with an equally worn out passport. They start
talking. The young man listens while Mallam Ilia, the old man,
would be the novel’s principal protagonist.

Bear with me as the plot of this great book needs some telling. The
Passport of Mallam Ilia was written and set in colonial times, and
Mallam Ilia by his own accounts was a hot-head, a travelling man
who abhorred convention. When the time came to marry, Mallam
Ilia “did not consider it gallant merely to ‘buy’ or ‘take on’ a wife.”
And so his chance came one evening when roaming Arab traders
challenged a young Mallam Ilia and others to a game of Sanchi to
win Zarah, the beautiful daughter of Kanemi, the Prince of the
Tuaregs.

Shanchi was the equivalent of Rome’s gladiator matches. The men
were warned that ‘some of you here will not breathe tomorrow’s
air. For this night, Shanchi may claim you.’
But Mallam Ilia fought till he faced Usman (or was it Adamu?), the
last contender. Rather than kill his opponent, Illia left him
wounded. The burly man would never forget, and sent Ilia to
prison, before killing Zara and fleeing. Mallam Ilia devoted the rest
of his life to pursuing Usman, seeking revenge. Along the way there
were bright spots; he married a woman called Dije and when she
got pregnant, he gifted her with a talisman.

Mallam Ilia, though ailing, finally got his revenge on the same train
where he recounted the story with his last breath. It also happened
that the young lad was his son, the same one fathered with Dije.
I find that in many ways, The Passport of Mallam Ilia reminds me
of another Mallam...Nasir El-Rufai.

Mallam Ilia’s travelling is similar to Mallam El-Rufai’s political
journey, one which started from a point called “accidental civil
servant,” has moved on through “certified ruffler of feathers” and
may well have “intentional government heckler” as its final
destination.

When you remember that both men from different generations
struck a conversation on a journey and the younger man becomes
a notable character himself, you will be forgiven for thinking the
young man who chats up Mallam Ilia is the same as Japheth
Omojuwa, Mallam El-Rufai’s understudy of sorts on Twitter.

In fact, when the distinguished Mallam got into an argument on
Twitter with presidential spokesperson Reuben Abati over the
government’s aircraft fleet, Omojuwa jumped in with: “Dr. Reuben
is a frustrated man. He needs to find a Jacuzzi or find a good spa.
You need a holiday sir.”

Which got a prompt retweet from Mallam El-Rufai. Great back and
forth between generations on a train called Twitter, as with
Ekwensi’s masterpiece.
Speaking of Twitter, more often than not Mallam El-Rufai’s
utterances and retweets therein would confer instant playground
status on the menacing game of Sanchi described by Ekwensi.
Where Mallam Illia used knives and weapons, Mallam El-Rufai uses
words to hack away at the opponents he has even dubbed
“Jonathians.”

A tame sample of his recent gems:
“GEJ budgets N2bn to transform the 6 states of the North-East.
International donors budget N33bn, but GEJ deposits N1.6bn for his
11th plane.”

“On this note, I am going to bed. I am #7 on the GEJ snipers' list,
so I will only worry when GMB, Asiwaju, Amaechi, Akande, etc are
killed!”

“.....the VP's mum named him a politician at birth...”
Mallam has also retweeted posts that drew strong criticism from
Christians. He apologised over one such retweet, in January 2013.

All the bodacious achievements Mallam El-Rufai had during his
time in government I now struggle to remember...this is because he
is constantly coming off as intentionally divisive, vengeful and
petty on Twitter, with words that are often as uncharitable as they
are needlessly sensational. This sad development is something
which makes me both wary and mindful that I can barely
remember much about how Mallam Ilia started, but I am struck by
how he ended; poisoned and dying, in a hurtling train carriage.
In effect Twitter and Facebook, those fleeting yet enduring bastions
of social media, are turning out to be The Passport of Mallam El-
Rufai to a downward spiral of disrepute.

The Passport of Mallam Ilia was about revenge, and how one man
was consumed in his quest for it. In the end though he avenged his
wife, his actions meant a son lost his father.

I am not sure what the “Zarah” or ultimate prize is that drives this
Twitter and Facebook “Shanchi” bouts between Nigeria’s
politicians, with their hangers-on aka protegees and aides feeding
off of it. Not sure which “Kanemi, Prince of the Tuaregs” is pulling
the strings in the background to ensure this shameful spectacle
continues...but it is clear all this will end in tragedy.
The message will remain lost, and though the messenger(s) may put
up a damn good show, they will never leave the fast moving train
“alive.”

Worse off, those in the coming generation misguided enough to
pitch their compasses on this same path are guaranteed to
perpetuate the same culture of vengeful speech which blights
clarity in our national debate, online and offline.
Knock yourselves out why don’t you.